I’ve been walking on a very dark path over the past year or so. I’m trying to put it into perspective (like I learned to do over the death of our son, Andrew, which you can read about in Notes from the Margins). I’m having a hard time. Maybe sharing it with you will help.
I had a great time writing my book and then self publishing it in the summer of 2009…but the follow-through fell apart with the people I was working with. Then I was called to start a ministry for military spouses and most everything about the book was put on the back burner.
My husband, who is in the military, was re-stationed in October of 2009, so of course we left the beautiful mountains and followed him to Texas. In the midst of the move, while trying to run a nonprofit, promote a book and run a writing business, I became very ill and ended up with laryngitis for 3 months. Needless to say, by the time we were moved and unpacked, I was exhausted and sleeping 12-18 hours a day. Then it was time for the holiday season to commence. I was hardly in the mood but I went through the motions anyway.
In the new year I had to face that I wasn’t in my beloved mountains anymore and I hardly knew anyone. I was the new girl again–just like every other move–but this time it was harder. I didn’t want to be outgoing and friendly. I didn’t want to have to make new friends. I didn’t want to be in Texas.
I threw myself into my ministry work planning the conference and flying back to the mountains every month. I held on to the friends and relationships I had there and didn’t make any effort in Texas, further isolating myself.
The ministry held a conference for military spouses in the Spring of 2010. Because of the economy (and probably my move) we only had half of the attendees we determined would come, and less that 1/4 of the funding we needed. I lost a lot of money personally paying the bills the ministry incurred.
This was the last straw. I was sorely disappointed because I believed that God had called me to the ministry. Everything I know about God tells me that he equips us for the job he asks us to do. I just KNEW that he’d send the people and provide the funding for this important ministry. But it didn’t come through and it started me through Chapter 5 of my book all over again: Entertaining the devil. (I’m beginning to think that this story is cyclical–what am I not “getting” so I can move on to a new (and successful) story?!)
“If God cared about you, you’d be a success, but you are such a failure,” he whispered.
“You’ve lost so much money following these ‘dreams’; they were just pipe dreams. God doesn’t care,” he sneered.
“Everything you’ve tried has failed. You can’t sell your book. You ruined your family’s finances. You can’t run a successful ministry. Oh, and by the way, you couldn’t even have kids! All you do is lay around all day. You’ve gained so much weight you don’t even look like you. Oh, and no matter what you do, you can’t lose that weight. Ha! Ha! Another failure. You are such a miserable failure!”
Why does he always have to go there?
I keep calling out to God for a sense of direction, but all I’m getting is…nothing. What am I supposed to do?
Stay tuned. I have more to share in a few days.
