I have writer’s block and I don’t like it!
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Another Death in the Family
We had to put our dog to sleep today. He was 15 and in renal failure; he couldn’t even walk anymore from arthritis. I thought it would be a tough decision to put him down, but after seeing him fall four times on his last walk, lose his appetite and become dehydrated–not to mention his acceptance of lying in a bed after he’d lost control of his urine, I knew it was time. This isn’t a life. He was just waiting to die.
It was hard saying goodbye as we remembered all of the fun we’ve had over his long and happy life. We talked about the joy and comfort he brought us when our first-born son, Andrew, died. He used to crawl up into my lap and lick away my tears when I was crying in grief over our son. He made us laugh in our sorrow and he was often the only thing that would drag me out of bed on those days when I would rather not. He was a good dog and he had a happy life.
After we said our goodbyes to his lifeless body and left the vet, my mind went to the pain of losing Andrew. I always thought that losing our dog, Kolo, would be as hard because he was such a big part of our lives. The loss of a pet is a real loss and is a life event that causes grief, but the grief I feel isn’t as overwhelming as it was when Andrew died. Being a writer, I had to figure out why.
My husband and I talked about it for a while. Losing Kolo is a different kind of loss.
When Andrew died, it was a shock and a surprise; he only lived for 14 days. When we mourned Andrew, we also mourned the loss of dreams. The loss of possibilities. The loss of potential. Losing Kolo is sad, but we are mourning differently. We are mourning the loss of his presence in our lives. We’ve seen his potential. We’ve lived the dreams. We’ve stretched the possibilities. We don’t have to mourn a life that never happened. We are mourning the loss of an important presence in our life.
I am sad and I already miss him (and it’s only been three hours that he’s been gone). Tomorrow I know I’ll miss him more because he’s been my company as I write during the day when my son and my husband are gone for the day. But I also know he lived a full and happy life and now he’s out of pain. He is no longer suffering.
Last night I dreamed that I was missing him horribly but then I saw him in a big mansion running around like a puppy. I hope that’s what he’s doing now.
Goodnight, Kolo. I love you.
A reader responds
I just wanted to let you know that your book was a comfort to me during a difficult part of my journey.
Amy sent your book to me from Colorado, and I found it in my mailbox here in Pennsylvania postmarked with the date that I was due with my fifth baby (Amy and I are both amazed by the “coincidence”, we both know that it was God working through her and you). You signed the book with a prayer for God to continue to speak healing and peace into my life. Notes from the Margins was the answer to that prayer.
We are so blessed to have two healthy and amazing boys of our own, but my husband and I were never able to have another. I suffered 3 devastating losses all well into the 2nd trimester. The pregnancy would be going along just fine, and then our baby would die.
I felt alone.
I felt like God abandoned me.
Eventually I felt nothing… it was better than feeling the pain.
Then I read your book.
I was reminded that God is here with us in our darkest hour. He promises to be here at the end of humanity, and He certainly promises to be with us when each one of us feels like it’s the end of the world. Our job is to be faithful… to reject the garbage that the devil tries to convince us is true. We must love the Lord with all of our hearts, minds, and souls especially in our darkest hour. Only then will he be glorified. Only then will we be free from the pain of this world.
Thank you for sharing from the depths of your soul. Thank you for your honesty and your courage to write God’s words. Thank you for writing your book and allowing it to reach people like me. Thank you for helping me to heal and to once again feel God’s love.
Michele
Posted in New Notes
Tagged baby, death, infertility, miscarraige, stillbirth, where is God
More reviews for the book!
Christine Farley Ely writes: I just finished your book, Alane. WOW. It’s beautiful, intimate, and so inspiring. I think my favorite part (one of many) was your bold prayer on page 128 and God’s answer. When we depend on Him and are open to His will (whatever it may be), …it is amazing how He will prepare us for it and bring it to pass quickly. It speaks to the faith we can have in His character, ways, and compassionate plan for our lives. When we TRULY trust what He says in Romans 8:28, we can be overwhelmed with hope and settled in peace, no matter the circumstances. Thank you for your brave testimony. I know God will continue to use it.
Posted in New Notes
What Laryngitis is Teaching Me
I have been quite sick for the three and a half weeks; it started in my head, then moved into my chest and now I have laryngitis. This is a challenge considering we are in the middle of organizing a move and I’m trying to finish some projects before we leave. I can’t really talk on the phone or to anyone for that matter.
I figure I should try to learn something through this challenge, so I’ve been taking mental notes of some interesting phenomenons since I lost my voice on Sunday. Here they are:
- When I whisper to people, they whisper back! This is fun to watch–it is such an automatic response. It makes me wonder if our world is just too loud and maybe sometimes we should just be more quiet.
- I can’t use the drive through–my life has slowed down a bit because I can’t use the drive through. I have to go in, look at people and quietly place my order….people contact is good
- I can’t yell from another room–this makes me seek out the person I need, make eye contact and try to communicate; not a bad lesson in our fast-paced world. Connection–human connection–is good. So is eye contact in our internet-driven world.
- I haven’t been able to have deep conversations with my husband–and I miss this. We spend so much time apart that we rely on conversation to keep us connected. This is good….but even though he’s home now, I miss him because we aren’t talking as much.
- My son hears me better when I whisper than when I yell. When I have my voice, my son tunes me out. Now that I have only a whisper, he HAS to listen. This is good.
All that being said, I am so DONE with being sick! I want my voice, my energy and my life back!!!!
Here’s to your health!
Posted in New Notes
Tagged being sick, laryngitis, lessons from illness, voice, whisper
Another great review/endorsement of the book!
“Notes from the Margins is hands-down one of the most moving, powerful and personal accounts of pain and healing I have ever read. Alane takes her readers on a journey through loss, grief, and ultimately, the spiritual wholeness …that can only come through God and His Word. A life-changing, life-giving book.” ~Jocelyn Green, author of Faith Deployed: Daily Encouragement for Military Wives.
Posted in New Notes
Tagged faith deployed, grief, jocelyn green, notes from the margins, where is god in death
It’s hard to be a writer if you don’t write!
Whew! That felt good. I have gotten so busy with the ‘business’ of writing that I haven’t actually been writing. It’s hard to be a writer if you don’t write! Today I wrote. I took the piles from my desk and put them behind me and I wrote! Once I started I couldn’t stop–I wrote blog posts for Faith Deployed where I will be a guest blogger, I worked on my next book, I wrote to friends. It was wonderful!
So here is what I learned: If you want to be a writer, write! Right?!
