Category Archives: New Notes

by Christine Kane

Do you know the “Shoulds?” Those voices that occasionally creep around your head telling you that things aren’t as good as they could be and that everything would be better if you behaved well?

Yea?

Well, you’re not alone. We all go there from time to time. Some of us spend our every waking moment “shoulding” all over ourselves! In the work I do, I know one thing to be true about this time of year: The Holiday Shoulds are a special breed of Should. The Holiday Shoulds are loud and insidious. If you’re not conscious, they can make you believe that they’re a rational way to think.

After all, during the holidays, people become almost hypnotized into believing that every moment should be a certain way, that every yard should look a certain way, that every family should behave a certain way – and that it’s okay to beat themselves up for their own preferences or for not keeping up with the imaginary standard.

Here’s a list of the Top Ten Holiday Shoulds, along with a thought or two about simply letting them go, and delighting in this moment. In the words of Byron Katie: “When I argue with What Is, I lose. But only 100% of the time.”

1 – I should have a new outfit to wear to the Christmas party! Last year’s outfit is fine. Your shiny happy self tells a brighter story than something you bought at a store.

2 – I should have done hand-made Christmas cards! (Or, I should’ve done Christmas Cards at all!) Relax. If you had time to delight in making cards, that would be great. But it’s okay that you didn’t. And as for not sending cards, you can send them out next year. (Or, be like my brother’s family and send out annual Valentine Cards instead!)

3 – My kids/parents should behave differently! Everyone is doing the best they can. What would happen if you simply accepted each person’s path and choices – and let them be exactly where they are?

4 – I should’ve bought more expensive presents! When gifting becomes about competition or keeping up, then it just drains you. Take a moment to remember who you are and how you want to love the people in your life. Nothing beats authenticity.

5 – I should go out and buy more [insert useless consumer good or processed food here.] When you nervously become a consumer for no reason, challenge yourself to sit down, listen, and experience the emptiness. You might find that it’s actually quite peaceful in there!

6 – I should’ve lost weight this year! Become a champion of yourself. Make a list of five great things you accomplished this year, and let go of those things you didn’t. You can revisit them in January.

7 – The Holidays should look more like the pretty scenes in a snow globe or on Christmas specials! The cool thing about snow globes and such is the happy feeling they create inside of you. Instead of thinking everything should make you feel that way, try to capture the feeling you get from those things – and then carry that feeling to each moment in your life. I call this Positive Daydreaming.

8 – I should’ve made [Insert time-consuming baked good featured on Martha Stewart]! See #5.  And remember that Martha Stewart has a very large staff. And that there’s rarely a shortage of sugary baked items during the holidays.

9 – My house should have better decorations! See #8.  And go take a nap.

10 – I should make better scrapbook pages after the holidays! Doing good scrapbooks does not make you a good mother, sister, daughter or friend. Doing good scrapbooks makes you someone who has time to scrapbook. If you use photo-boxes or boring albums, you’re still a wonderful human, and we’ll all still love you.

**BONUS SHOULD**

11 – It should be The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Christmas is lovely with all of its twinkle lights and confectionery goodies, AND there are many wonderful times each year. (I happen to love each and every time I hike in the woods, no matter what time of year it is!)

Wonderful is about your delight and how you feel on the inside. When you let go of what is not authentic delight for you, then you might be surprised at how simple the holidays become. You might find that wonderful is right here in this very moment.

Christine Kane is the Mentor to Women Who are Changing the World. She helps women uplevel their lives, their businesses and their success. Her weekly LiveCreative eZine goes out to over 12,000 subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can sign up for a F.R.E.E. subscription at http://christinekane.com.

Something I know about God is this: He doesn’t move away from us. We move away from him.

In the past year, I’ve been drowning in my circumstances. Many of them were beyond my control but I have still let them control me. I have been struggling with my past “failures” as if they have defined me. Now I’m looking to move back into the abundant life that God promises. The question is, when you are living in the dark, how do you find your way back into light?

When the curtains are drawn in my room at night, it is incredibly dark. There is not even light emanating from the alarm clock. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night for a glass of water. Instead of waking my husband by turning on a light, I groped around in the dark looking for the door into the bathroom. I walked slowly, shuffling my feet to try to keep from tripping on anything. My arms were out in front of me like a zombie’s so could feel the wall before I hit it.

I found the wall and with great confidence I put down my arms from in front of me to walk through the door to the bathroom for my cup of water–but the door was closed. I hit my face on the closed door, bonked my nose and made a big racket.

The noise woke my husband who quickly turned on the bedside light to see if I was okay. My nose hurt, but suddenly I was blinded by the light from the side of the bed. I closed my eyes to bring them back into the darkness they were used to.

It’s amazing how bright the light was in that dark room. During the day you can hardly tell if one of the bedside lights are on. But in the darkness, the light was blinding.

It made me realize that when you walk around in the dark, you get used to it. You start to think its normal to be in the dark. You may even forget what its like to walk in the light. Then, when the light comes on, you are blinded by it and do what you can to get yourself back into the dark.

So here is my question for you; are you used to walking in the dark over your grief and disappointments?

Are you bumping into walls?

What will you do to start moving back into the light of life?

God really does want us to bloom where we are planted. It was never more obvious to me as when we sat in our new church in our new town, yet again. I was tired of moving. Tired of spending almost 20 years as a military nomad. Tired of being the new girl and working so hard to make new friends. Tired of being nice and outgoing. Tired of being the one who always has to make the effort. I moved to our new town with a bad attitude and God wasted no time letting me know it was time to change.

The pastor spoke on some verses in Jeremiah 29 that were not familiar to me, and the passage moved me more than Uncle Sam ever has! I have gotten used to hearing Jeremiah 29:11 because it is used so often to remind us that we have a hope and a future of good things according to the Lord–which we do. But it has been a long time since I read the verses ahead of the famous Old Testament passage. These verses resonated with me deeply, and having just left the place we wanted to retire, and not being happy about where I was, they also convicted me. Forcefully.

Take a look:

Jeremiah 29:4-7

4 This is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: 5 “Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. 6 Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. 7 Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper.”

I don’t remember what the pastor’s sermon was on because God was speaking to me as a military wife. He showed me how to really plug in–the way He intended me to–even if I was tired of doing it.

This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: If this verse is not made for the military family, I don’t know what is! Many of our moves have left me feeling like I have been sent into exile. I can hear all of you stationed at bases in the middle of nowhere–or in the middle of a foreign country–nodding in agreement. (Yes, I can hear the nodding because there are a lot of you!)

Those of us not relegated to the remote places of our world can also identify with this. The verse is talking about when the Babylonians marched the Israelites from their home to an unknown land. Can’t you relate? Our last base had become our home. We were comfortable there. We knew places. We knew people. We had a routine. Then we move and everything is foreign. We don’t know how to get to the store, we can’t find a local coffee shop and sometimes, we can’t even understand the language! But here is what the verse says: God carried you here! It was in His plan from the beginning for you to leave where you were and come to this land. He has a purpose for you here. He has put you here to prosper and show others what He can do.

Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. When we get to our new towns, God wants us to settle in. Not in a temporary way, but in a pretty permanent way. Why else would He tell us to plant gardens and eat what they produce? While it isn’t always practical to literally plant a garden (although I usually find it fun), there is a lesson for us in this. We are to live where we are, not looking backward but looking forward to what our garden will produce. We are to dig up the ground, plant and produce fruit. We can do this by sowing, nurturing and tending the plants of relationships so they bear fruit. And here is the kicker! The fruit of this effort is for our benefit! When we eat the fruit of this relationship garden, it nourishes us, giving us purpose and sustenance. It keeps us feeling full. I can tell you from many times of feeling empty in a new town, I’m eager to feel full of this fruit!

There are opportunities all around to dig in the dirt and plant new relationships. The best place to start is in a church because they will understand your need for family. You can also volunteer, get out to the park, or take advantage of kid’s sports activities or play dates. Something that works for me is getting out of my car at football practice or during drop off/pick up at school and making small talk with the other parents. Or, simply make a point to get out of the house. Sitting on the front porch reading, washing the car–or planting an actual garden–gives you an opportunity to meet your neighbors. It might be easier to stay inside, but this is not what God wants for us! He wants us to have a fruitful garden of relationships.

When we move into a new neighborhood I usually set a date for an open house five or six weeks from when we get our household goods (which has the added benefit of inspiring me to get moved in!). We invite our neighbors over for an ice cream social and get to know them. It’s cheap, easy and works wonders in creating relationships in the spot where God has placed us.

Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. I understand that most of this verse does not really apply to us as military families–we are not anywhere long enough to actually raise our kids somewhere–but while meditating on this whole concept, I believe there is still instruction for us. God wants us to create relationships in our Babylon that will endure. He speaks of generations here which means we need to make sure the relationship saplings we plant are nurtured so lovingly that they will be there long after we are gone. We are to increase in number which may simply mean that we need to find opportunities to share God’s love, grace and mercy. God will put into our paths people who need Him. And amazingly He asks us to participate in His kingdom by sharing His love and His message of forgiveness through Christ. Having sons and daughters may mean that there are opportunities in front of you to share your faith so that we may increase in number. This has an everlasting implication.

Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper. We are also to seek out and even work for the good of the city where God has placed us. Pray about where you are. Work for its benefit by volunteering to make a difference. Take care of the elderly. Adopt a pet. Clean up a park. Have a significant and positive effect on your city. Start a neighborhood watch. Help kids read. Leave it better than you found it. Pray for it. Then you will have prosperity. You will bloom right where God has planted you!

You have an amazing opportunity where you are right now to make an impact on your world. We even have a special benefit as military families because once we make an impact on one city, town or neighborhood, we know we’ll soon have the opportunity to do it again in a whole new Babylon!

When we apply the instruction in these verses to our nomadic military lives, think of the impact! Globally, we can make the world better by locally making our cities and neighborhoods better. Personally, our lives will be richer, more prosperous and more fulfilled–just by digging in, planting gardens and praying and acting on behalf of our Babylon. By doing these things, you are fulfilling God’s purpose for you in your unique life.

Ready? Set? Bloom!

I met Carolyn last winter through Facebook–an amazing woman and author with a big heart for the military spouse. She is the USCENTCOM Personal & Family Readiness Program Director. Thank you Carolyn, for letting me share your Makeover Journey!

“…For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” (Jermiah 29:11 NIV)

Recently, I planned to redecorate a bedroom in my northern Florida home, which was looking “well loved” and worn. I’d overlooked its shabby appearance for some time because the Carthage by Croscill pattern in which it was decorated, which I loved, had recently been retired and was no longer available for sale. However, finally, with some prodding from family members, even I could no longer overlook the outdated window treatments, or the worn, flattened comforter. It was time for a makeover… However, I was reluctant to give up what I knew and loved even though it no longer presented well, without knowing whether I could find something that I liked quite as well. And I searched for something similar to no avail. In addition, I was on a tight budget. What a dilemma. Those who know me know I sought to resolve my dilemma at my favorite retailers –local thrift stores. For weeks I looked and either could not find what I wanted or what I found was not a good value for the dollar.
Disappointed, I began with the window treatments, in hopes that the issue of the comforter would resolve itself. Removing the floor length sheers to better expose the 2-inch wood blinds, I left the Carthage toppers and updated the look by asymmetrically draping a sheer scarf on the pole tops. Stepping back to observe my creation, I pronounced it good, but not quite good enough because the color of the sheers was off just a smidge. As a result, I was not totally satisfied until a few days later when I walked into a thrift shop and found the perfect comforter,. It was new without tags (NWT) It coordinated perfectly with the color of the scarves, which I earlier complained were off just a tad and would not have selected if I had other available options. The Turkish pattern coordinated perfectly with the tweed texture and color of the drapes. Every color was a perfect match. Not Paprika red to a ruby or garnet… no, this was paprika to paprika, slate blue to slate blue, burnished gold to burnished gold. It coordinated perfectly.
Through this experience I was reminded that God, makes over or conforms us to the image of Christ. He who sees the end from the beginning, is coordinating our lives to His transforming Word, perfect will and purpose for our lives. As a result, he uses trials to remove from us that which prevents us from presenting the image in which we were created. Often we are presented options we would not choose for ourselves and do not fully appreciate until we see the next “decorator item” and how perfectly it fits in the overall pattern of our lives. But it is not until we see the final outcome that we appreciate God’s earlier work in our lives because, unlike God, we view the master’s work in segments. – that which is presently before us, while God, who knew us before we were formed in our mother’s womb and is constantly working for our good, sees far into the future. Had I seen the comforter from the beginning, I would not have fretted and worried so about letting go of the old comforter or matching and coordinating the new colors. Such is our faith walk with God, who sees the end from the beginning. Fear of the unknown prevents us from moving beyond our comfort zone to the hope and the future that God has for us. Faith is the bridge that takes us confidently and courageously from what we don’t know to that which God knew and planned for us from the very beginning!

Where is God working in your life? What pieces of your spiritual bedroom has he replaced that might not make sense to you? Have you gotten a surprise “match” that made everything more clear? Share YOUR story below!

Sometimes I’ll be contemplating something, like the following topic of being happy with myself, and I’ll see something that I just have to share. Jennifer Hunt says this much better than I could. Hope you enjoy it like I did.

The Lightness of Being.

by Jennifer Hunt

Why does it seem like our minds actively work at sabotaging our happiness?

We constantly build ourselves up and then knock ourselves down.

We continuously set ourselves up for disappointment with our expectations.

We miss the beauty of the moment by either trying to capture it, or by lingering in the past or obsessing about the future.

These are practices that all of us subconsciously, and sometimes consciously, partake in daily, that weigh down our minds, solidify our egos, and taint our perception of the world. It’s time we claim responsibility for our happiness by taking control of our minds and lightening our sense of being.

My ‘Spiritual Friend’ has helped me obtain wisdom beyond, what I believe to be, my possible scope of understanding. Among a seemingly endless list of attributes that he embodies, humility is surprisingly ever-present.

This humble nature that accompanies the depth and breadth of his wisdom has been a life altering teaching for me. Not in the superficial manner taught by our parents insisting that it is in poor taste to be too proud or arrogant. This is a way of perceiving ourselves and the world with a lightness experienced by the cutting away at the ‘fat’ of ego, judgment and expectations. It’s all about beginning to shed that weight to allow us to fully experience life with clarity.

Lightness.

When you experience a positive event like a compliment, it slowly defines and solidifies your ego. It reinforces an image or label that we have of ourselves. More energy or attention added to the file titled, ‘I’m a super special person’.

Now what happens then when someone criticizes you? It doesn’t take away from your positive ego file; it just adds weight to the ‘I suck’ file. Either way, labeled positive or negative, our egos get weighted down, heavy, and deeper-rooted. Our world then becomes more and clouded, seen only through the tainted view of all that baggage. There are two issues at hand here – Dualism, and taking ourselves and everything around us too seriously.

The first step is to stop seeing the world as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and thus cease contributing to these files. When you become more objective, open and less judgmental, you stop tainting the moment and stop feeding the ego. If you just looked at all experiences as what they are, just experiences–not positive, not negative, just moments, learning opportunities and chances to spread compassion and loving-kindness. Clarity within this perfect, present moment. Perfect with all the components, beauty and magic that it is designed to have without the imposition of your ego and it’s labels.

We, as humans, especially Americans, feel the need to own, acquire, consume and control people, situations, and possessions. In order to fully appreciate the world, we first have to let go of that desire. If we enjoy an experience, we try to document it to make it last longer by taking pictures (I’m very guilty of this) or wishing someone was there experiencing it with you. We end up missing the experience at the peak moment. We love a person just as they are then we feel the need to covet them which inevitably changes them. We immediately take an object of beauty and turn it into an object of desire. The appreciation is overcome by our need to possess.

Try it. Become aware of how efficient we are at categorizing ourselves and our experiences, thus undermining our ability to see the beauty. Watch yourself do it next time you feel in the midst of a positive or negative situation, then try to stop the labeling from happening by telling yourself,

I’m not going to think of this as a good experience or a bad experience, just an experience’ or ‘I’m not going to view myself as being good at this or bad at this, I’m just going to experience it.

Think of your life as if you are heading on a trip but you don’t know where you’re going and you have no luggage. You’re ready for anything and everything, not constrained by the climate specific clothes you packed or preconceived ideas about the destination. You’re just aware, excited, and open. It takes practice but eventually you’ll get to the point where it not only becomes easier but more of a natural state of perceiving.

The beauty is in the moment of every situation and every person. Why continue going through life limiting our ability to experience that beauty because we choose to ignore the weight of our egos? Stop feeding it! Start exercising your perception and lightening your outlook by dropping your dualist view, judgment and expectations. Each moment is unique, live it. Not good or bad, just as it is.

Jennifer Hunt is a self proclaimed ‘dream chaser’.  She spent her childhood collecting rocks, creating art, writing poetry and tapping into the magic within.  Following her passions into adulthood, Jennifer is a jewelry designer, writer, yoga enthusiast and Buddhist.  Feel free to contact her www.JenniferHuntDesigns.com or through Facebook.